11 Things I wish I Would Have Known after Finding Out I Miscarried
I will forever remember the moment we found out. It was as if time literally stood still and I plan to outline the exact feelings I had during that appointment, and the days/weeks afterwards but I'll save that for a later post.
When we found out we had miscarried, I spent sleepless nights scouring the web for answers. When the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I literally would spend HOURS trying to find similar stories to my own with no luck. I don't want anyone else to feel that way so I'm going to try to give as much information into my journey as I can in hopes that it helps even just one person!
Here are 11 things I wish I would have known from day 1 of our miscarriage:
There is such a thing as a "missed miscarriage" -- I really had NO clue anything about miscarriages, because obviously I, like everyone who's ever experienced one, never thought I would be in this situation. Some people experience their miscarriages at home when they start spotting and then ultimately bleeding indicating that the pregnancy is not longer viable. Others, like myself, have no clue that their baby is no longer living until the first ultrasound appointment. For whatever reason, my body didn't recognize that the baby had passed away and continued to grow and mature as it should have for 11 weeks. I had NO symptoms, no bleeding, no cramping, nothing. So what does this mean exactly? Well my body had 11 weeks of fetal tissue that it eventually would have to shed (more on that later).
Your doctor is going to give you options -- did you know that you can choose to either miscarry naturally, take medication, or have a D & C (dilation and curettage)? In the moments after we had our first ultrasound showing us that our baby was only measuring at 6 weeks we were given those 3 options. My doctor and I agreed that even though I was "11 weeks" along, since my baby was only measuring at 6 weeks and therefore very small I would do the medication route. We both felt like this was the safest and fastest option for us to be able to start trying again ASAP. And I will say for most people, this is the case (again, more on that later).
The medication is also referred to as "the abortion pill" -- this was something I sadly found out by googling some questions I had about cytotec, and it hurt me so badly. I was SO angry to think that I was taking this pill that was used to abort babies when I clearly wanted my sweet baby. Although this was a shock for me to read, I hope that it won't catch anyone else off-guard.
You'll need to get some supplies -- After confirming that I was indeed having a miscarriage and deciding that I was going to do the medication route I really wasn't told much on what to expect. So I tried to google it and what I read was TERRIFYING. I was full-on prepared to have the WORST pain and bleeding I've ever experienced (and for some I'm sure that is the case). Well after doing my research it was clear that in order to be fully prepared for what was to come I had to get some supplies. With the medication you're not allowed to insert anything vaginally, such as a tampon, for up to 2 weeks soooo pads is your only option. I personally don’t wear “normal” underwear if you catch my drift... so first thing was to go get underwear suitable for pads (which was just lovely haha). Then I needed to find pads, which I've NEVER done before. Y'all there are SO many options it's straight up overwhelming.... but I chose two different kinds: nighttime ones for a medium flow and everyday ones for a medium flow. OH. MY. GOODNESS. The nighttime ones were legit diapers, I can't even make this up, but like I said I was preparing for a bloodbath since that's what google lead me to believe. Eventually I was able to transition to panty-liners and then tampons (praise)!
You can't think about what's happening -- this was something that was so hard for me at the beginning of my miscarriage journey. Every time I went to the bathroom there was blood. Sometimes only a little amount and others a lot and in clots. It was so hard for me to not get super emotional every time I went to the bathroom. I know this won't be easy, but you truly can't think about it.. you can't think about what is happening. And honestly if this is something you don't feel like you can handle emotionally or mentally I would definitely consider having the surgery. It'll just be so much less emotionally taxing on you.
It's okay to feel angry -- I feel like having a miscarriage is something we're conditioned to just bottle up and not talk about, and I don't get that. Yes, it's insanely sad and unfair, but it's also SUPER common. When we first started sharing with our close friends and family what had happened I was in shock of how many CLOSE friends and family members had also experienced this. It kind of made me upset that I hadn't know, that I wasn't able to support and love on them during their times of sadness. Losing your child isn't fair, it's just not. It is 100% okay to be angry and to let those feelings out. I spent so many days/weeks just asking God why (even though I'll never know until I get to heaven). I was and sometimes still am angry when I think about how things should be or could have been if we hadn't lost our baby and you know what it's OKAY! Let it out in a healthy way!
You're going to have feelings of jealousy -- unfortunately this is just something that is going to happen and you're probably going to feel like an a-hole for feeling/thinking it, but it's totally a natural response. Inevitably someone you know is going to announce their pregnancy on social media or to you in some way and it's going to hurt like hell. I felt like in the weeks after our miscarriage I would see a new pregnancy announcement DAILY on social media and every single time it would make me cry. Then after I would cry I would feel bad for feeling that way, but it's normal! It's okay to feel jealous and upset because you lost something you never thought you would lose. Don't beat yourself up for having these feelings, but don't let them run your life either. I would voice my feelings to Zach and then I would pray for God to be with that family and baby. It wasn't easy, but it helped me get rid of the anger and jealousy I felt.
Everyone's timeline is different -- when we first talked with my doctor about the different options she recommended the medication so we would have the fastest turn-around to start trying again. She told us about her experience with having a miscarriage about the same time as ours (6 weeks) and how she took the medication and was pregnant again in 3 months. Sadly that just didn't happen for us. Everyone's bodies will react differently to whatever method you choose. I've read stories of people who have the D&C and don't drop their HCG levels to 0 immediately like they should. I've read other stories of people who were done miscarrying in 2 weeks and got pregnant 1 month later. Everyone is different. I will say, my story seems to be an outlier. In my 14 week long journey I tried countless times to google other similar situations to my own and never found one. For some reason my body didn't react to the medication as it does for most people and therefore my miscarriage drug out for months (I'll share the full story in another post).
Be prepared for bloodwork -- I had no idea how much bloodwork was involved in a miscarriage and obviously mine was different than most. I had to get my blood drawn on the day we found out and then 2 days later to confirm that I was in fact having a miscarriage. Then I had to go back weekly to check my HCG levels until I ultimately hit 0. For most, this is only a matter of weeks. For me, it was 14 times. If you're not a huge fan of needles (like me), just try and mentally prepare yourself for the frequent sticks you'll have to do.
Be sure to delete/unsubscribe -- this was something I learned the hard way. Of course when you first find out your having a baby you download all of the apps and subscribe to all of the email lists for helpful tips/tricks along the way! So naturally when we found out we had miscarried I quickly deleted all of the apps so I wouldn't have to be reminded of our loss. But just deleting the apps isn't enough, you've got to unsubscribe from ALLLLL the email lists too. I thought I had done a good job of this until one slipped by and it just opened up a floodgate of emotions. So, if you can't personally sift through the emails ask someone to help. You'll be going through enough emotionally that you don't need a daily reminder too.
You've got to TRUST God's plan -- this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember, and it's also the hardest. Most likely you'll never know why you lost your baby and honestly we're not meant to know the why of things. I truly believe that for Zach and I, God has a very specific plan in mind. I don't think that God allows bad things to happen without a message behind it. I definitely don't believe that this was God's will for us, but I do believe that He allowed to to happen so that we could use it for a greater good. Zach and I have grown so much stronger in our marriage, in our bond as future parents, and in our faith in our God. We have been able to help others renew their faith and find hope in seemingly hopeless situations. Trust me when I say that as the weeks turned into months for my miscarriage journey, trusting God's plan was insanely hard but ultimately it was the only thing keeping me going. There were so many days when I would literally beg Him to let me be done, but I truly believe it just wasn't in His plan at that time. If you need help finding God's provision for your life I would LOVE to help you! 🤍
