A MALE’S PERSPECTIVE ON MISCARRIAGE: ZACH’S SIDE
Over the last few weeks I’ve talked a lot about our miscarriage, and I’ve shared in detail during and after. But I felt like in order to get the full picture, Zach’s perspective is important too. Obviously, our partners experience and process things differently than we do especially when it comes to the physical aspect, but they still feel pain. In the end we both experienced loss and watching us suffer doesn’t make it better. So, I asked Zach some questions through the stages of our 14-week miscarriage.
Honestly, this was such a great moment for us because we hadn’t really talked in much detail since it was all finally over. I will say, if you’ve experienced a loss, I urge you to sit down with your partner and ask them these questions!
Maybe in the future we will do a live Q & A or something, I felt like I really enjoyed this conversation despite the topic.
Before our first appointment:
Let’s start with that first OB appointment when we were 11 weeks and thought we were going in to see the baby for the first time. What was going through your mind before, during, and after that?
Before: “I was very excited obviously, this was something we had prayed for a long time about and the day was finally here! Since we had not been able to go to the 6-week appointment due to COVID, I could not wait to see the ultrasound of the baby.”
During: “I did not really know what to expect when the doctor came in to do the ultrasound. My knowledge of OB appointments is only what I have seen on TV, so when they started the ultrasound, I had no clue that something was not right when we didn’t hear the heart beat immediately. When I saw you crying, it slowly started to click to what had happened. I think it took me so long to realize what was going on because a miscarriage was not even on the radar. I had no knowledge of how common a miscarriage is for most couples. We had been told that your progesterone levels were really high, so we were at a “low risk” of a miscarriage.”
After: “I felt sick. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Since we took separate cars, I did my best to hold it together until I got into my car. I called my mom to give her the unfortunate news, but I couldn’t force myself to say the words out loud. My mom was on the other end of the line, but I could not speak. I finally was able to get the words out between sobbing, and my mom reacted as she always has in the past; she said the right words to calm me down. Next I had to call into work and let them know that I was not coming back that day; my work staff told me not to worry about the rest of the day and that they would get it covered. Once we got back home, I felt like doing nothing. I was so excited to be a dad, and I was crushed.”
What did you think a miscarriage would be like before we experienced one?
“Prior to our miscarriage, I really did not understand why people would get so upset. I know this sounds very insensitive, but I didn’t know how people were so distraught over something that they never even had. I understand losing a child, but I did not know how to morn something that wasn’t physically present.”
During the miscarriage: “Obviously, my opinion of that was drastically changed after going through our miscarriage. I feel horrible for even thinking that thought in the past. We were so excited for Baby W, I remember telling my parents that I do not know how I could love something so much that I had never seen or met. I feel like you hear so much more about people who have children by “accident”, and never hear about the ones that cannot have children or that have miscarriages.”
What were your thoughts the night I took my first dose of medication?
“My initial thoughts were only about your health and safety. Your doctor told us what to expect, but you never know how things are going to go. I remember the night that you took the medication, I slept a total of 4 hours and felt like I had one eye open the entire night. I also would like to comment on about the medication you took being called abortion medication; I don’t want this to be about political beliefs or any of that, but yikes. We are already going through this challenging time in our lives, and then we have to go to the pharmacy and get medication that is referred to as that. It is just wrong to me. Sorry for the rant.”
How do you feel like experiencing a miscarriage firsthand was different than what doctors told us to expect?
“Dr. Sills was great throughout the entire process. From the moment that she told us that we had lost the baby until the very end of the long journey, she was a true professional. There is no way that she could have predicted it taken as long as it did for your numbers to return to baseline. I was frustrated with the process after hearing that it typically takes “a couple of weeks” and that ours lasted for almost four months, but I know that there was a greater reason that is unknown to us.”
As women, I think it’s really hard to even think of your partner in those moments because we are physically going through it. How can I have been more supportive of you?
“I do not expect you to worry about me during this process. My goal in life is to make sure that you have everything you want or need, so I wanted to be there for you. I love helping people and fixing things, which is why I chose the career I did (physical therapy), and I felt helpless not being able to do anything during this process. Honestly, there wasn’t much more you could have done for me. My focus was to be there for you and you were always there for me.”
How did you experience the miscarriage? Did you feel the sadness of losing a baby or was it mainly seeing me in so much pain/sadness before, during, and after?
“The moment I found out that we lost the baby, I was crushed. I was crushed because we both wanted to be parents so badly and I felt like it was taken away from us. I have been through loss before, so I had was able to process it in my mind faster (don’t really know that it was better, but anyways) and then my focus went to you. I wanted to make sure that I was doing everything that I could to make sure you had to love and support that you needed during that time. I remember being significantly more irritable at work, and I had to apologize to my coworkers for my short temper. That goes back to me not processing my emotions well.”
What did you do for me to help me during the pain that night/morning of the miscarriage? If you had to give advice to partners in general and how they can help, what would you say?
“That night, my goal was just to be present. I know that I could not take away the pain of losing the baby, but I wanted to you supported and loved. I remember that I let you pick dinner and you chose Pizza Hut. Despite my love for Dominos, we had Pizza Hut that night and we ate every piece of the two pizzas we bought.”
After the miscarriage: “For us, this process was more a marathon than a race. There were times when I became frustrated with how long it was taken, and my advice to all other males is to remain patient and supportive. This process was frustrating for me, and I knew it had to exponentially harder on you.”
After going through what we went through, what one piece of advice would you have for other couples?
“If I had to have one piece of advice, it would be to trust in God. We know that there was something chromosomal that was not right with our child, and we prayed daily for a healthy baby; this baby clearly was not going to be healthy, so God had another plan. I know that it is hard to see the positive in a situation like this, but that is where we have to trust God and have faith that we serve a God that is greater than we could ever understand.”
