My 14-Week Miscarriage Journey (Part 1)
This is something that I am not 100% sure how I'm going to write to be honest. The last 3+ months of my life have been some of the longest days. But I feel compelled to share my story, not because it's special, but because I'm hopeful that it can help even just one other person going through something similar.
WARNING: These posts are not for the faint of heart. There are some very graphic and to be honest intimate details that I will be sharing. To some, it might be "too much information", but this is my story and I want to share it all.
Zach and I had been trying since our wedding (September 2019) to get pregnant as we were so excited and ready to start our family. My cycles weren't the most regular as I was coming off birth control. In February my cycle was 47 days long before I finally got my period on February 24th. The next cycle came and went and once again it was longer than the average so I was hopeful that maybe I was pregnant! I took 4 tests the week of April 1-4th and woke up the morning of the 4th to a positive!!! I was in such shock that I took another one that Sunday just to be sure, and sure enough it was still positive! We were SO excited to finally get our first positive! Yes, I know we had "only" been trying for a few months, but those 6 months seemed so long to us. With every messed up period that inevitably came (even way late), I would get more and more discouraged convincing myself that something was wrong with me. But then April 4th came and we were just SO relieved and excited!
I called my doctor's office first thing Monday morning to get an appointment, but due to COVID-19 I was not able to go in for my first visit. Which completely sucked, I had so many questions and I had so much that I wanted clarification on if I could take it or not! I'm already a very anxious person so having to wait to ask was awful. I was able to schedule an initial tele-visit for April 9th. She said that by the day of my last menstrual period I was due on November 30, 2020!! After that visit I was then told that I wouldn't go in to actually see my doctor until I was 11 weeks along...ummm what?? That seemed so crazy to me to have to wait that long. I was so anxious about my levels and making sure they were high enough and I wanted to actually see and talk to someone in person I was so crushed. So I called the next morning to see if I could at least come in for some lab work to check my hormone levels, thankfully they agreed to that! So I went in on that Friday and the results came back on Monday as all normal. My progesterone and HCG levels were exactly (if not higher) than they should have been for how far along I was (6 weeks).
So all I could do was wait until my next appointment on May 11th. I prayed daily for my baby's health and for God to take away any sickness or anything out of balance with our child (I'll share this prayer in a later post). I tried so hard to not worry, to convince myself that everything was fine.. but week after week went by and I just never felt "right". So, as the anxious person I am, I took a pregnancy test dang near weekly just to check... yes, I'm fully aware of how crazy this sounds but I just wanted to be sure my baby was still in there! I mean I was having to wait FIVE weeks before going to the doctor! I even obsessed over every little beauty, medication, food, etc item that I was using to make sure it was safe for the baby (I'll share my products later). We decided at this point to wait and tell any of our family or friends until after our first appointment. With COVID we couldn't tell most of them in person anyways, so we really wanted an ultrasound picture of our precious baby to share the good news!
Finally, it was time for our first appointment.. the Sunday night before I had a huge breakdown to Zach about how nervous I was that something was going to be wrong (a mother's intuition I suppose)... So Monday, May 11th finally rolls around and we get back into the room to wait for my doctor, it was finally time to see our baby! The moment I saw the ultrasound I just knew it wasn't right... the baby definitely wasn't as big as it should have been at 11 weeks, and even worse, I heard nothing. I didn't know what to do, I went completely numb. I couldn't breath and I couldn't even hear the words that my doctor was saying to me. I thankfully had Zach with me and all I could do was squeeze his hand.
After she gave us some time alone, she came into to talk with us about our options moving forward. First, I was going to have to get my HCG levels checked to validate that they were declining indicating a miscarriage. I was in such shock leaving the appointment I don't even remember driving home. For us, I carried our baby for 11 weeks, but God had decided to take him or her at 6 weeks 4 days. Honestly, all I ever want is to have a healthy child, so I do understand why this had to happen..
After we got home we had to call our families. Honestly, I'm not really sure which is worse, having to tell people who didn't even know you were pregnant that you lost your baby or telling people who already knew? Both equally suck. One by one we called our parents to break the news, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To explain that this was supposed to be a happy phone call with a big surprise announcement only to tell them the sad news. Another difficult conversation I had to have was to call and take our name off the list for daycare. For those of you that know me know that I am a HUGE planner, so of course I had already called around to potential daycares and had gotten our name in for the one we really wanted for a January start date. Having to call and tell them that we no longer needed that spot.... ugh it hurt so so badly.
After having my HCG levels checked on the 11th then again the 13th we just had to wait to have it "confirmed". They were the longest days ever. I mean I already knew that my baby didn't make it so why was I waiting?? After it was confirmed I had to go in that Thursday, May 14th for a Rhogam shot since I am O- blood type. For those of you that don't know what this means I'll explain a little. When you have a negative blood type and your spouse has a positive (or vice versa) you have to get what's called a Rhogam shot to insure that the baby is safe when the blood of the mother and baby mix. Since I was going to be miscarrying soon, our blood would be mixing and therefore could cause me problems in the future if I hadn't gotten the shot. Soooo I'm NOT a huge fan of needles of any kind, but at this point I was still pretty numb from the whole process anyways so it was fine. Y'all that shot HURTS haha 1. it's in the booty, 2. it stings like none other!
On Friday May 15th I took my first round of cytotec (misoprostol). I was so anxious that whole day I hardly ate a thing. I was instructed to insert the medication vaginally versus orally as it was supposed to be more effective this way. I took 4 at 7:45 pm and then had to repeat the process again at 11:30 pm. I was told that something should start to happen (i.e. intense cramping and bleeding within 30 minutes to 4 hours after taking the medication), but when I got up at 11:30 there was nothing. I woke up again at 2 am and there was still nothing. So then I got super anxious, wondering if the medication didn't work would I have to have surgery?? I just really didn't want to have surgery... I prayed over and over as I lay there awake for God to let ANYTHING start to happen. I wanted to feel the pain.. I wanted it to start so then it could be over. I woke up again at 6 am and finally there was some blood! It was one of the most emotional things, I cried and cried as I sat there realizing just exactly what was happening... The day went on and I had some periods of bleeding but nothing crazy, and no intense cramps.
Monday, May 18th I had to call my doctor to explain how the medication went for me. I explained that I had the bleeding early Saturday morning but then minimal spotting throughout the weekend. With that, I was told I would have to repeat the medication. So that night I took another round, this time orally once at 5:45 pm, again at 11:45 pm, and again at 5:45 am. The night was awful, I only got like 2.5 hours of sleep between anticipating the worst and not feeling anything. Once again I had very minimal cramping, but heavier bleeding. Pretty much every time I went to the bathroom there would be blood. I was very bloated going into work that Tuesday (19th) morning and packed anything I thought I might need to get me through the day.
On Wednesday May 20th I called my doctor to tell them how the second round of medication went and they definitely seemed more pleased with the results. I told them that I hadn't had any intense cramping but I was having some low back pain and definitely more blood/clots coming out and they seemed encouraged by this. On Thursday, May 21st I returned to the doctor for a follow-up. I was super emotional all day long and the doctor's appointment didn't help. I remember telling Zach I would be fine to go alone so I did.. But it SUCKED so bad. I had to get another ultrasound to see what, if anything, was left. It was so hard to see an empty uterus where my baby once was. Based on the US she felt like I had passed the sac at this point, but she told me that I had a lot of lining and fluid left that still needed to be shed so I would just have to give it some time. Lovely. I got my blood drawn again to see where my HCG levels had dropped to. I had dropped from 58,000 (May 11) to 20,000. My doctor was pretty confident that once I got through shedding the lining I would be done. So I was then instructed to wait a week and come back for more bloodwork.
Continued in next post...
