My 14-Week Miscarriage Journey (Part 3)

My journey was so long that in order to get the details that I feel are necessary to help others I'm having to break it into several posts. The last 3+ months of my life have been some of the longest days. But I feel compelled to share my story, not because it's special, but because I'm hopeful that it can help even just one other person going through something similar.

WARNING: These posts are not for the faint of heart. There are some very graphic and to be honest intimate details that I will be sharing. To some, it might be "too much information", but this is my story and I want to share it all.

At this point we were rapidly approaching 2 months since finding out we had an angel baby. Both Zach and I were getting frustrated and discouraged as the numbers slowly declined week by week.

Friday, July 3rd: My numbers had dropped the least they had this whole process this week. They went from 59 to 46. Once again I was super discouraged.. I had experienced period like bleeding the whole previous week and was super hopeful that my levels would drop with that. Over the 4th of July weekend I was cleared to wear tampons since I was once again having heavy bleeding after not bleeding for 2 weeks. I was convinced this was more period like, but when the bleeding didn't stop after a week I started to get concerned.

On Tuesday, July 7th I called my doctor with concerns that I was bleeding through a tampon every 2-3 hours (more like a period) but that it had been going on for over a week at this point. I asked if there was anyway I could have another ultrasound to see if there was something left in my uterus and to make sure that everything looked healthy. My doctor was out of town this week so the nurse talked with the other OBGYN on staff and called me back confirming that I would go in on Thursday for an ultrasound.

On Thursday, July 9th I went in for my ultrasound at 9:45 am. I was such a nervous wreck, but I told Zach I would be fine to go alone. I prayed, I sang worship songs, and I cried in my car while waiting to be called in. I was terrified that I was going to be told I would have to have a D & C after all of this time. The surgery is something I just truly felt I didn't want, I don't know why, but this entire 14-week process I felt very strongly that surgery was not the answer for me. So there I was, in the US room with the tech. Obviously I have no freaking clue what I was looking at on an US so I asked a lot of questions, and sure enough there was still fetal tissue in my uterus. I felt so, I don't even know what. I was scared and anxious and even though deep down I knew there would be some tissue left, I was just feeling defeated. So then I'm told that my Dr will get back with me when she gets back from her vacation.... ummm what?? I was initially told by the nurse that I would actually see the other OBGYN and discuss the plan before I left. So thankfully the staff at my doctors office is AMAZING and they were able to get me in to chat with the OBGYN before I left. She was not concerned at all about the fetal tissue and explained that it was so close to my cervix (meaning that it was already working itself out) and that all I would need is another round of medication. PRAISE! I was sold! I had my blood drawn again just to see where I was. I had dropped from 46 to 27. I then took my 3rd round of cytotec that evening and waited. This time I was able to take it orally again and I actually had bleeding happen within 1 hour. I was super encouraged until the next morning (Friday) I was already done bleeding. WHAT IN THE HECK???

I was scheduled to return to the doctor on Monday, July 13th to chat with my personal doctor and see how things went. She was pleased with the other doctors orders for the medication and said she would have recommended the same thing. I voiced my concerns about having to have the surgery and she reassured me that I wouldn't have to at this point unless I was stuck at a level or just wanted to (NOPE). She then told me that if my levels were below 10 that I wouldn't have to come back! I could then just take a home pregnancy test (super sensitive one) to confirm I was done (whoop whoop!). So I got my levels drawn again... On Tuesday I got the results, with the medication I had only dropped from 27 to 16. It was not what either of us were hoping for. So she instructed me to wait another week and come back. We discussed how frustrating this whole process has been and she told me that in her 8 years of practicing she's only had ONE other patient that had this experience. She said that the medication is so successful for her patients she was convinced it would be for me as well. She apologized for not pushing the surgery earlier, and I told her that it was fine -- frustrating but fine haha. I mean how could either of us have predicted that the medication wouldn't work like it was supposed to??

All week long I hadn't had any real bleeding or anything. That following Thursday (July 16th), while I was at work I once again had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to go to the bathroom. I went and another rush of fluid/clots came out which was a relief at this point as I was just so ready for it to be over. Off and on for a week more clots were coming out daily. Before when this would happen I would quickly flush it down the toilet and not ever really look. Well at this point it had been over 2 months and I was numb to the whole process so I decided to kind of investigate what was happening. Y'all, I can't even begin to describe what I was seeing. The best way I can describe the clots is they looked like chunks of grape jelly, ranging from quarter to egg in size. Just bizarre.

Over the next week I had quite a lot of clots/blood come out (more than I had over this whole process) so I was very encouraged by this! I went in on Wednesday, July 29th to get my levels checked and I was SO optimistic! They laboratory technician was also super encouraging and we both felt like this was going to be the LAST one. I was super anxious all day the following Thursday (July 30th) while waiting for my doctor to text with my results. At 4:30 I finally broke down and just called the nurse. When the nurse called me back I stepped into a quiet room and nervously took the call.. with sadness in her voice she told me that I had only dropped from 16 to 11. I choked back a sob as I said okay and hung up. After I hung up I just started sobbing. I couldn't control the tears and the utter defeat I was feeling. I couldn't believe that after alllll of the blood/clots I had lost over the last 1.5 weeks I had only dropped 5. I honestly think I was in a state of shock. I couldn't stop crying... I immediately texted my doctor asking for advice. We talked about how the medication works for me, but in a delayed sense so she wasn't sure it was worth doing for a 4th time. She said she was going to talk with some other colleagues and come up with options.

I anxiously awaited her text fearing that I would be told to have the surgery. I kept reminding myself that this was out of my hands, that God is and has always been in control.... She texted me back with 4 options: 1. continue to watch/wait, 2. come in for another ultrasound, 3. try the medication again, 4. D & C. I thanked her for reaching out for help and waited to talk with Zach. We prayed a lot for God's guidance on our decision and ultimately I felt very strongly that having another ultrasound was needed. So I called to schedule one at the earliest time. I got in for the next Wednesday morning and my doctor and I agreed that we would check my levels again that day too.

On Wednesday, August 5th I went in for my 3rd ultrasound. This time I had a better understanding of what I was seeing and I could definitely tell that there was still some fetal tissue remaining, but that it was significantly less than the last time! After I left my appointment my doctor texted me confirming what I saw. She said that it was much better than the one on July 9th, but that there was still tissue remaining. She then gave me the option of medication or D & C. Like I mentioned before, I felt very strongly that surgery just wasn't the answer for me and I was just SO close. On Thursday, August 6th I got notification that my levels had dropped from 11 to 9 (which I was shocked since I hadn't bled all week), and I informed her that I wanted to do another round of medication.

I took the medication around 7 that night and luckily it was just a single dose so I didn't have to wake up for more. When I woke up the next morning I was hoping for some bleeding but nothing happened. I mean NOTHING. So I texted my doctor and explained that it had been over 12 hours since I had taken the medication and nothing had happened. She said that another dose was not needed as there was just so little left for me to pass at this point and that I just needed to be patient. I literally laughed at that because I've been doing my very best to be patient for the last 12 weeks lol. But alas, that was all I could do.

On Tuesday, August 11th I finally started to have some bleeding. I was so relieved (funny how the emotions change) to see things coming out! By Saturday (August 15th) morning I had quite a lot of bleeding and it had stopped so I was suuuuper curious if a pregnancy test would come back negative or not. **If you haven't caught onto this yet, patience/not worrying aren't my strongest traits lol although they have improved through this process** I went and bought some early response (super sensitive) pregnancy tests from Target. These are supposed to detect as little as 6.5 mIU/ml HCG, which I needed to be below 5 to be cleared. So I took one Saturday morning, and for the first time in 13 weeks IT WAS NEGATIVE! I was in shock. I literally couldn't believe my eyes! I felt so much relief as I knew that my levels had to be below 5 then.

On Monday, August 17th I had decided I would go in and get my levels checked. But when I woke up that morning I had more bleeding, which I hadn't had since Saturday.... so I then felt super discouraged and started questioning the negative pregnancy test. What if it was a false negative?? What if I'm still above 5?! I texted my doctor to get her opinion and she told me if my home test said negative that's all I needed and I was good. But I just wasn't convinced. I wanted the full on proof that I was "negative". So I went in for more blood work. I told the lab tech that I felt really good about this one, I said no joke this time THIS IS THE ONE haha.

**Side note: I want to just say that I had the same lab tech all 14 blood draws and she was AMAZING. She would constantly encourage me even when I felt defeated. She was so committed to my journey that she would tell me if/when she would be out of town so I would know to wait to come in. On the day my levels came back negative, my doctor told me that she chased her down the hall out of excitement to tell her that I was finally negative! It was just such a great feeling to have a "cheer team" behind me throughout my journey!**

I swear the day long wait to hear my results was always the slowest 24+ hours of my life. All day Tuesday (August 18th) I checked my phone waiting for a text. At 12:00 while at lunch the doctor's office was calling.... my heart stopped as I stared at my phone. This was it, either I was finally going to be done -- or I was going to have to wait yet another week. I went into my room and answered....

It was in that moment that I heard the words I had been waiting for for 14 weeks "You're levels came back negative, you and your husband are cleared to start trying again". I couldn't even contain my excitement as I thanked her repeatedly and hung up. Y'all I can't even describe the feeling. I couldn't believe it, it was finally over! I ran around the clinic to tell everyone the good news, I was literally shaking from all the emotions I couldn't contain myself.

99 days.

14 blood draws.

4 rounds of medication.

3 ultrasounds.

For 14 weeks. I prayed, I waited, I cried, and I grew so much stronger. Are there things I wish I would have done differently during this process? Absolutely. Do I think that God allowed Zach and I to go through this trial for a bigger reason? ABSOLUTELY. This process has made me a stronger woman, wife, future momma, and Christian. It has taught me to lean into God and Zach in ways I never had before. It has taught me that God's plans are far more powerful than my own.

Most importantly though, it has taught me that I am a true conqueror through Christ who strengthens me.